Mom and Dad are having trouble making ends meet. I am sure I am not helping. I am thinking about leaving Mom and Dad's - they want to live independent with without help, I know that they have had choices where they could easily said 'yes' they need or want my help, they did not. So now I must decide how to just leave, leaving what little I have behind as well. I wonder how long I will survive living on the streets. What do I take if anything? My Sister wants me to stay - so she does not have to deal with the problems that she would get if I left.
I am sick and tired with a cold that with not go away. A year ago I had a family, and Love. Today I have nothing, and waiting on GOD to push me though a door, free will is over-rated. If I am my GOD's creation then It is HIS will, not mine that should every be considered. People do not live up to commitments, even if you they might not and now days generally do not! The friends I had in the past were Sharon and I's - since Sharon went a different path, I have lost those friends was well, even my children.
I have meet a few new friends on the computer. If I lose the internet I stand a chance of losing them to. Two of which I would dearly hate losing, but without the internet they would be gone.
My time has come and gone. Some unknown reason I have lost Joy, have little Faith left, and Hope for GOD's little Angel to save me. I believe in my GOD, thought I had an Angel, but wonder if there are any left...
Should I worry about how my body with be handled when I am gone... My Mother has told many many times that she has a burial plot already paid for. I never gave much thought into it may even have avoided it. But now I ponder dying and not living. Is it GOD's choice or mine when and where or even how I die. I always wondered about how to live not how to die.
I am sure that is why they say "till death do we part", when you get married. Because the broken heart only want death. I believe that getting married is to easy and divorce is even easier. It makes living up to a commitment to easy to walk away.
It was funny a bill collector called me today trying to convince that I should asked anybody and everybody to clear my debts. That I should do anything to clear my name. What is strange, they knew that when they gave me credit that there was a 75% chance of not getting it back, that is part of lending business and why there rates were so high and now they are willing to clear the slate for a fraction or the original bill. which is more than likely what I actually spent to begin with. This bill was $800 and was ready to settle for $300. Who is willing to pay off my debts? I have over 7 accounts to settle. I told them If someone was willing to hire me - I would pay off me debts. I paid off all of Sharon's. Then she dumped me. Maybe there is a lesson there, I am not sure. I would done the same thing whether or not if I knew she would dump me. Love does dumb things.
I know it is that damn Golden rule I live by.
"DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO TO YOU, EVEN IF THEY DO NOT"
GOD help me I can not change, It is like a PRIME directive given to me at creation . I am sure it will be the death of me - certainly the ruination of me.
The Wiccan Rede
Bide the Wiccan Laws we must In Perfect Love and Perfect Trust. Live and let live. Fairly take and fairly give. Cast the Circle thrice about To keep the evil spirits out. To bind the spell every time Let the spell be spake in rhyme. Soft of eye and light of touch, Speak little, listen much. Deosil go by the waxing moon, Chanting out the Witches' Rune. Widdershins go by the waning moon, Chanting out the baneful rune. When the Lady's moon is new, Kiss the hand to her, times two. When the moon rides at her peak, Then your heart's desire seek, Heed the North wind's mighty gale, Lock the door and drop the sail. When the wind comes from the South, Love will kiss thee on the mouth. When the wind blows from the West, Departed souls will have no rest. When the wind blows from the East, Expect the new and set the feast. Nine woods in the cauldron go, Burn them fast and burn them slow. Elder be the Lady's tree, Burn it not or cursed you'll be. When the Wheel begins to turn, Let the Beltane fires burn. When the Wheel has turned to Yule, Light the log and the Horned One rules. Heed ye Flower, Bush and Tree, By the Lady, blessed be. Where the rippling waters go, Cast a stone and truth you'll know. When ye have a true need, Hearken not to others' greed. With a fool no season spend, Lest ye be counted as his friend. Merry meet and merry part, Bright the cheeks and warm the heart. Mind the Threefold Law you should, Three times bad and three times good. When misfortune is enow, Wear the blue star on thy brow. True in Love ever be, Lest thy lover's false to thee. Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill: An ye harm none, do what ye will.
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